Safety First
by goodgollymolly
Summary: Finn is concerned that Kurt and Blaine aren't being safe, so he has a man to man with Blaine. Finn's clueless and has no idea about anatomy, Blaine and Kurt are amused. T for mentions of sexual contact.


A/N: Here's a bit of a cracky oneshot. It is partially borne of the sequel to Cucumbers that I'm writing (which will contain a Burt and Carole sex talk!). This one's been floating around since I read a prompt on LJ. I hope you like it. And, as always, if there are any problems/concerns/anything, feel free to drop me a line. You guys are seriously my favorite people, and you never fail to make my day. :)

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><p>"Blaine, there's something we need to talk about," Finn said gravely, dropping his XBOX controller, "something serious."<p>

Blaine dropped his controller, then sighed, "Did you and Rachel break up, Finn?"

"No!" Finn looked shocked at the very idea. "Why would we break up? Why does everyone always think that we're-"

"Hey, hey," Blaine threw his hands up in surrender, "you said it was serious though, so I just-"

"Fine. Whatever. You're forgiven. But I do have something serious to talk with you about. It's about you and Kurt."

Finn's voice had dropped to a whisper, so Blaine leaned in a bit closer, then whispered back, "Did I do something wrong? Is Kurt mad?"

"No, no, it's not like that Blaine, it's just, I don't know how to say this, so um-"

"Do we make you uncomfortable Finn? I know that we try to keep the PDA down around you, but if it makes you feel awkward we can-"

"Dude, just let me finish," Finn interrupted, "I just, like you know I heard you two…together…like a month ago."

Blaine blushed bright red, "Yes Finn, and can we please just move on? I think that that incident was mortifying enough without you bringing it up all the time."

"Hey! I wasn't bringing it up to embarrass you this time. I just wanted to make sure that…well, that you and Kurt were being safe. You know, I've had one pregnancy scare and-"

"Well, Finn, Kurt and I are safe on both counts," Blaine replied tersely, "seeing as we're not having sex, and we're both men, so we can't get pregnant."

"Dude, you never know! I mean, I had that hot tub scare. You can never be too careful," Finn said knowingly.

"Finn…you don't think that a man can get pregnant, do you?" Blaine looked at him curiously.

"Um…well, I didn't think so, but you know, it's good to be careful! Plus, like what if you're doing like…weird things and…um…"

"What Finn?" Blaine asked exasperatedly.

"Well, like you know some girls um…well when they give a BJ they swallow?"

Blaine looked at him inquiringly, "I honestly don't see what this has to do with Kurt and I."

"Well, what if one of you did and then got pregnant? Burt would be so pissed, and-"

"Oh my God," Blaine was rolling on the floor in laughter, "you cannot think that you can get pregnant that way! Plus we're guys! You can't honestly think that there's any way that we can actually bear children."

"There was a pregnant man on Oprah," Finn replied indignantly.

"Yeah, and he used to be a woman! It doesn't count, Finn! Oh my God, wait until I tell Kurt that you thought he could get pregnant. Do they teach you anything in sex ed?"

"No, you're not telling Kurt!" Finn tackled Blaine, "And we don't really talk about sex. I mean, Ms. Holliday did, but you know, it was super confusing."

"Finn, get off of me!" Blaine attempted to shove Finn off of him.

"Not until you promise not to tell Kurt!"

"Tell Kurt what?" Kurt had appeared in the doorway to Finn's room.

"Finn thinks I can get you pregnant! Ouch!" Finn had gotten off Blaine, but punched him in the arm as hard as he could.

"Finn! Do not abuse my boyfriend! And Blaine, get off the floor! We have reservations at Breadstix, and you're going to be all wrinkled."

"You must not have heard me-Finn thinks that men can get pregnant!"

"I saw it on Oprah," Finn shouted, "and I'm sure it's been on Maury or something like that!"

"Oh for the love of-Finn, men can't get pregnant. Haven't you taken biology? Actually, you have, you were in my class sophomore year! You know that men don't have a uterus!"

"What's a uterus?"

Blaine and Kurt just looked at him, speechless, then started laughing hysterically.

"Seriously guys, what's a uterus?"

"It's where babies gestate!" Blaine said through his laughs, "No wonder you thought you got your girlfriend pregnant from a hot tub!"

"Kurt," Finn whined, "you weren't supposed to tell him the whole story! You promised!"

"I tell him everything," Kurt smiled sweetly at Blaine, who took his hand.

"Ew, dudes, remember I'm still here!"

"We're just holding hands, Finn! May I remind you about how I found you and Rachel last week?"

"Okay, but seriously, the eye fucking you're doing is intense! Like, I feel violated."

Kurt and Blaine dissolved into laughter again.

"Come on, Blaine, let's go," Kurt said, wiping the tears from his eyes with his free hand, "we have to get to dinner, otherwise they'll give away our table."

"Good plan," Blaine laughed, "I wouldn't want to get you pregnant with my eyes!"

"Hey, that's low!"

"Come on," Kurt dragged Blaine out of Finn's room.

"Hey Blaine, Kurt," Finn shouted down the hall, "what does gestate mean?"

Kurt and Blaine stopped, then Kurt turned around, and with an evil smile on his face, replied, "Why don't you have a talk with my dad about this Finn? He's really good with these talks."

"Cool, thanks bro!"

"Burt is going to kill you," Blaine hissed as they walked down the steps.

"Oh, I think he'll be much more taken aback by Finn's lack of knowledge," Kurt whispered back, "now, do you think we can make it to the car without impregnating each other?"

"Hmm…I think I can manage that," Blaine smiled back, squeezing Kurt's hand as they walked out the front door.


End file.
